April 25.

i've stopped the chinese medicine completely. now i feel really free. taking the medicine has been such a big agony for me. even though i still feel weak and been losing my appetite, i feel relieved. my bone pain has somewhat reduced lightly. or maybe because i'm used to it so it doesn't really bother me much. my new pain is my stomach and the whole intestines' problem. it has been around for close to three weeks. it's because of my gastric. since i haven't been eating, it gets bloated and all sorts of pain crept in.

life is hard. sometimes when i'm in pain i don't know whether it's worth to go on living. if living means i have to bear with the pain for the rest of my life. sometimes i feel i have lived life enough and there's nothing much to look forward to anymore. my children..they will be fine. just hope that ayah will stay healthy just so that he'll be around to take care of the boys. if i can make one last request, is that please let me hang on until Aimran comes back. I want all my children to be there when i breathe my last breath.